We’ve learned a great deal over the last year.
1. Pretending is fun. Try it! You’re nearly there anyway. Scientists estimate the human body is 93% imaginary.
2. If we violate copyrights ironically, it is an act of commentary on a system that can’t coexist with an international (if not interstellar) internet. We are protected by rules governing parody and satire, moreover. We haven’t sold anything, also. So what if we’re broke; we’re legal.
3. That’s three fronts of legality but also three waves of totally broke. What if we made some snarky clothing products? Would you buy one?
4. Or maybe buy me a coffee first? HEARD THAT. My brain runs on diesel. Here’s your big chance:
I like the idea of someone from 1963 coming along and saying, “Buy you a coffee? Sure.” Charges 35 cents to her credit card.
Many thanks if you can help. Onto the fashion show.
A poll follows, asking which item you’d most likely purchase. You’ll be graded on your response.
Pretend Human, pink hoodie, priced at … hmm. $3 million each? Sure.
Then, a dead human (reportedly). Followed by the truth about babies.
All baby attire in a package plus the Lady Di T for … $8 million? Use my GoFundMe page. Hurry! Limited supply!
Next: Dog items for dog people and dogs. (What’s the difference?) Then another hoodie design, comfy sweaters and curious sweatpants.
Pricing: TBD. Sotheby’s Auction House has to assess.
With a mid-show interruption to tell all you cheeseheads about how my mom used to dress me in long-sleeve turtlenecks for school. Usually they were colorfully striped, late 70s Scooby-Doo style. I was forced to wear solid red on picture day, the word “COLIN” across my chest in bold white. Kid you not.
That would have been third/fourth grade. The fake kids wear it better than I did (can’t find the real pic, sorry) (it’s horrifying).
Bet you didn’t know Tucker Carlson’s mom had similar inclinations, did ya? Eminem, too.
Mmm hmm.
Let’s get back to the runway, with lovely Fake Taylor and her fake dogs taking a break from the NFL playoffs …
Don’t forget to vote!
— Colin, aka “The Turtleneck”
Five is the choice limit on Substack. Oh well.
Kicker: A few deeply (if not “deply”) fake comics, style Yoshiharu Tsuge.
Here’s hoping “deply fake hoodie” won the fashion quiz. And (btw) you can still buy me something, but let’s make it a big chocolate cake. I eat several a day.
Xoxo.
You mean to tell me I can’t actually buy one of these? I need a hot pink one with the longer cut of the light pink one.
I'm definitely seeing "Pretend Human" in the hallway before the semester ends.